Goldmember

“How bout no, you crazy Dutch bastard.” This is hands down my favorite line from the 2002 comedy “Goldmember.”

The third installment of the Austin Powers trilogy was a triumphant end to a series that so completely defines my sense of humor. Sometimes I wish the series would have continued, but after watching “Goldmember” again I’m glad that it’s over.

“Goldmember” seems to emphasize the same jokes as the first series yet with weaker delivery. The jokes seem tireless and never-ending. The plot is crap, but that’s typical for a comedy movie.

The humor is still dimwitted and riotous, but it just lacks the certain humph from the previous two movies. The addition of the new character, Goldmember, saves the movie. Had it not been for him (played of course by Mike Myers) or Nigel Powers (hahaha, Michael Caine is so awesome), this movie would have been awful and albeit unbearable.

The thing that stands out most about this movie compared with the first two is Austin’s character. He does not have the same charisma or “mojo” should I say. It lacks his shallow relationship with women. Also, what’s the deal with Beyonce as the girl? That doesn’t work, she is no Bond girl. I guess it is a play on Halle Berry from “Die Another Day.”

Also, I noticed, more in this movie than the others, pointless scenes that add nothing to the plot. They are just there for laughs, but they really do nothing for the movie. It just seems like random little segments that were funny but improvised and eventually included.

This is obvious in the scenes in the submarine. There is one point when Dr. Evil was standing at the front of the ship dancing to “Beyond the Sea.” WTF. Where did that come from? Anyway, it was still hilarious.

I would much rather watch a comedy like this than the crap they pass off as comedy these days (which includes anything Seth Rogen or Jud Apatow touches). This is so much more humorous and drastically less vulgar.

Mike Myers is a comedic genius, but he is just not in enough. I would like to see him in a preposterous comedy a year. His next one, “The Love Guru,” appears to be a fourth Austin Powers in that he plays more than likely the same exact character (maybe just a combination of Dr. Evil, Goldmember, Fat Bastard and Austin Powers – which would be awesome). I’m not too optimistic though.

So with the end of Austin Powers comes the dawn of shotty, vulgar comedy that has no place being in the real world. I miss movies like this one even though the humor is at times tired and recycled.

But to continue the series would have been overkill and would have left a bad rap on the whole shebang. It just would not have worked with Scott as the evil guy taking over the world. It was a sweet ending.
I will throw it 4 out of 5 stars because of Mike Myers’ relentless humor and because of the extreme randomness and absurdity of the scene in which Dr. Evil (in a trucker hat) walkie talkies Goldmember trucker-style.

“Whew, son of a bitch, pile of monkey nuts!”

Godzilla 1998

Fell back on one of my favorite movies as a kid from the 90's. I used to think this movie was so awesome. It was one of those I got (on VHS mind you) and watched every day of the summer as a kid.

"Godzilla" was awesome and I thought it was the best special effects I had ever seen. The movie took great pride in the amount of time and the collaborative effort in special effects for this movie and in 1998 they were pretty good.

In 1998, they were pretty good. Now, holy crap, they are awful. This movie does not even come close to standing the test of time, which can be said about a lot of high-budget special effects movies. Fifteen years from now, I think I will prefer showing my kids "Jurassic Park" simply because it was better made and included a more profound and realistic look at dinosaurs.

Apart from the special effects looking criminal now, "Godzilla" contains some of the worst acting, directing and story development of all time. Sure, it was a good idea to make an American remake of the Japanese classic, but good Lord, couldn't we have done a better job?

It makes American cinema look like a kid trying to dunk on Shaq. It is pathetic. I cannot for the life of me figure out director Roland Emmerich. Somehow this guy made classics such as "Independence Day" and "Patriot." But for every good movie, he has three bad ones. Emmerich's slate includes "The Day After Tomorrow," "Eight Legged Freaks" and yet another disappointment "10,000 B.C."

This guy just straight up cares very little for the quality of his film. He stresses too much on his special effects and puts forth little effort in the plot or storyline. "Godzilla" is no exception.

The creature was a result of nuclear testing in the French Polynesian islands, which, OK, the story is somewhat reasonable so far. After attacking ships in the Pacific, Gojira ends up at New York for some unexplained reason. They later showed his path from the island to NYC and apparently he travelled through the Panama Canal then up the east coast. He never attacked anything between the Pacific and NYC. This was a "simple" detail that the filmmakers decided not to explain.

The military unloads countless amounts of explosives on the creature destroying half of New York and never manage to inflict any damages on the creature. The smartest guy that the military talks to is the "worm guy" who is forced to make common sense calls that some babies couldn't think of.

Matthew Broderick is a nerd and loser who specializes in conducting experiments on worms that were affected by the nuclear testing. He is Dr. Nick Tatapolous and he is the only hope. That is so sad and I would never want a guy like this to be the last resort to save mankind. What a joke. Hank Azaria cannot even save the cast as the “Animal” WIDF cameraman who takes Broderick’s ex-girlfriend into the tunnels to get the exclusive story. I don’t know who that girl is or care to be honest.

Jean Reno is the French secret service agent sent to America to save the world from the bad things the French had done. So, why not litter the movie with poor foreign jokes. “Godzilla” is chalked full of poor, ill-scripted jokes about coffee, America and France. I did not quite understand the need for so many dadgum coffee jokes. What is the deal here?

OK, so Jean Reno and Matthew Broderick save the world and no one ever knows of the French involvement in the bringing down of the monster. The dimwitted American military attributes their successes on Tatapolous and looks no deeper into the situation. Long live stupidity.

The final scene where they actually kill the monster (rather than assume he is dead, which they did like eight times) was ridiculous (not to mention the previous 30 seconds where they destroyed Madison Square Garden). Godzilla gets trapped on the Brooklyn Bridge and is shot 48 times by F-18’s.

The one perk from this movie has to be the soundtrack, which is awesome and which at one point I did own. The lead track is a Puff Daddy “Come With Me” remix of the good ole’ Zeppelin “Kashmir.” Whoever thought of meshing P. Diddy with Zeppelin is a genius. Haha. The soundtrack also featured a Rage Against the Machine original titled “No Shelter.” Rounding out the movie was a David Bowie remake of “Heroes” performed by The Wallflowers.

The soundtrack was the best thing about this sad movie. The idea was good, but the story was atrocious. I have yet to see a poorly developed movie from a decent idea. Emmerich is a fool. The movie did have serious potential and at one point was connected with Tim Burton. My, what could have been. The project was in works for about six years and the end result was lackluster. I don’t know of which I am more ashamed, the fact that I enjoyed this movie as a kid or the fact that it exists at all.

The production of the movie was so massive, yet it only broke even. Was slated to have two sequels, but the reception of the movie was so negative they decided to not continue the series.

I will leave you with these useless facts:

Enough lumber was used for the sets to build 50 homes.

Over 1,000 4'x8'x16' Styrofoam blocks were used to build portions of the sets, including the subway tunnels.

35 tons of steel were used to build the sets.

Over 1,000 soft architectural pieces were created for falling debris.

There was enough paint used on the film to paint the entire Golden Gate Bridge.

2.4 million gallons (~321,000 cubic feet), of water was used to create rain for the film.

2,000 foam fish were made to create the fish pile.

Enough non-toxic smoke was created on the film to completely fill the Los Angeles Coliseum 24 hours a day for one week.

There were a total of 16 different cabs used to create the entire cab sequence.

20 car thumpers were built to lift cars on the street as Godzilla walked.

O and it rained the entire movie nonstop.

We Destroyed the World

Popped in "Syriana" last night for the first time. I'm glad I finally did because I have heard so much about this movie for the last couple of years. I just never sat down and watched it.

This movie was tremendous and deserves to be thrown in the same league as "Crash" and "Babel." I think it wasn't because it is somewhat boring and slow. The story doesn't move very quickly, but the message is powerful and the final emotion is beautifully done.

I tend to think that this movie is not too far from the truth. The movie doesn't delve into the reason for being at war in a country far away, but it does tell of the government's role in securing oil for the United States.

The lies from the White House about finding weapons of mass destruction are just that: lies. As a former oil man from Texas (wow, I finally see it), our President clearly has an ulterior motive for our continued presence in the middle east.

It is not about securing the freedoms of the Iraqi people or whatever we call it. It is about obtaining their oil and siding with Saudi royalty in order to get that.

This movie addresses this problem very well. In the movie, the CIA assassinates the one man that could save Iran and bring the country out of turmoil instead of letting outside agencies come in and steal their oil with high priced buyouts.

The CIA is protecting an oil company's agenda to win over the newly appointed king so they can get the most untapped oil region in the world. The former dying king gives his blessing to the wrong son - the son that will not save the country but ruin it. The CIA then kills the other brother who could have fixed the problems all because they want American oil men to get rich.

Of course, this is not a true story, but it very well could be happening there right now. The point of this movie is to show that the greedy oil men in this country are destroying foreign nations to earn a buck. It is a look at the corrupt business practices that exist today in our oil market.

Who is right here? The CIA and the oil companies or those that actually live in those countries. The man they murdered was an intelligent, highly-educated prince who knew exactly how to fix his country but because of outside influence was unable to do so (oil dicks poisoned his father's mind).

Why do we so desperately try to run other countries when we have enough to deal with at home? Why are we, as a country, so fixed on making money that we don't care how many wars we start, how many lives we ruin or how many countries are destroyed? Our foreign policy needs to be significantly reevaluated. We need to leave other countries the hell alone and worry about our own affairs. If we desperately need oil, spend the extra buck and drill Alaska.

I am disappointed in our foreign affairs. The excuse is always that we are trying to help people. Our intentions are not even right because that is not even the real reason we are there. This country could care less what happens to the locals as long as we get our money. The people in charge of these countries can run it as they wish. They don't need our "help."

Thank you "Syriana" for exposing the truth.

Leechsucker

Ever experience an apartment rat? A leech that just one stop sucking out your guts? We seem to have run into this problem lately, and I cannot figure out how to fix it.

It just seems to crawl around all the time. It shows up and doesn't leave. It used to be really bad where the leech would get out of class and show up and then maybe leave when we all went to bed. Now, it's not as bad but still annoying.

I don't think I would hate the leech so much if it wasn't around all the time, but I guess that's what a leech does. It attaches and sucks the life and happiness out of you. O and eats all your food.

The leech has gotten to a point where I really hate to go home because I know I will see it sucking on the couch watching TV.

What am I to do? I have dropped hints of poison throughout the room hoping it either dies or leaves for good. I have done everything short of hitting it with a baseball bat, but every day it crawls out of the vent to annoy and destroy.

Where did all the happiness go? I guess it would better be described as a dementor that sucks everything happy from an area. It makes you live your worst memory, it is terrible.

This time pouring salt on the wound may solve the problem.

Woody Allen

I've fallen into a Woody Allen phase lately as I watched three films in two days. The first of which, "Small Time Crooks," was a funny romp about a trying and unsuccessful crook played by Allen who eventually becomes a millionaire when his front for a bank robbery actually brings in the dough.

His wife runs the cookie shop upstairs while Allen and his dysfunctional buddies try to tunnel to a nearby bank downstairs. The cookies become enormously popular and they eventually turn into a large corporation.

The movie is pretty funny, but definitely not my favorite Woody film. It seemed to lack the humor and flow of most of his other movies.

Next, I popped in "Annie Hall," a movie that I should have seen a long time ago but never did. Let me tell you, this movie is definitely worth all of the hype. It won four oscars including Best Picture in 1977.

The thing I love about Allen movies is that they stand the test of time. You can watch Annie Hall and not even know it was from the 70's. The subject material and filmmaking seem ahead of its time.

The free flow of conversation is incredible in all of Allen's movies but especially in Annie Hall. Each shot is something like 17 seconds long, which is truly amazing. Allen uses long takes to give the movie a stronger realism and to make the editing process take less time. This way he can easily make at least one movie a year, which he does these days.

Annie Hall is a great look at life and relationships. This movie particularly makes me want to move to New York City and grow old. This is one of the most realistic movies I have seen. You just feel each conversation isn't staged or scripted, but rather something that was caught on film accidentally.

Coincidentally, many have claimed that this movie is sort of autobiographical about Allen and his real-life relationship with Diane Keaton. I can see it and I believe it.

Next, I turned to "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion," a 2001 movie about two people in 1940 that become hypnotized to steal jewels for a hypnotist. It was pretty good and may be the best of Allen's films this decade. Funny and smart all the way through.

One thing I love about Allen's movies is his incredible casts. "Small Time Crooks" featured Hugh Grant and Jon Lovitz. "Annie Hall" featured Diane Keaton, Christopher Walken, Sigourney Weaver and Jeff Goldblum in what can be considered for all a start to their careers: this was their first big movie. "The Curse of Jade Scorpion" featured Helen Hunt, Charlize Theron and Dan Aykroyd.

The thing that is most amazing about these casts is that Allen's movies are low budget films that no one ever sees or hears about. Most common people have no idea such movies exist. I just think it is amazing to host such casts and hardly anyone knows about it. When I say anyone, I refer to the massive mainstream audience.

This guy really is amazing. He churns out new screenplays every year that are always original and terrific. Sometimes his movies seem underdeveloped and rushed, but that's OK. I applaud a new movie every year.

He does receive a great recognition from critics and the Academy especially. He has been nominated for 14, yes fourteen, Academy Awards for best original screenplay winning the award twice and another for Best Director.

He is phenomenal and it truly is amazing the screenplays he continues to write even as he ages.

One thing I do not necessarily enjoy is the fact that he casts himself in all his movies in the role of the main character that always gets the girl. That has gotten a little annoying. The fact that some old man gets the young, hot girl is not very realistic and eventually he will see that. Don't get me wrong, I think he is a great actor and I do enjoy watching him on screen, but the young romances have to stop.

Anyway, other than that and his life off screen (including the marrying of his girlfriend's adopted daughter), I totally respect Allen and his screenplays and movies.

A list of those I have seen starting with most recent release date:
"Scoop" - Scarlett Johansson and Hugh Jackman - pretty good romantic comedy
"Match Point" - Scarlett Johansson and Jonathan Rhys Meyers - Allen claims this is his best film
"Melinda and Melinda" - Will Ferrell, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor - really good and incredibly original
"Hollywood Ending" - Tea Leoni and Debra Messing - didn't like this one too much
"The Curse of Jade Scorpion" - Helen Hunt and Charlize Theron - good, one of his best goofy movies.
"Small Time Crooks" - Hugh Grant and Jon Lovitz - pretty funny, but turned weak toward the middle of the movie.
"Hannah and Her Sisters" - Michael Caine and Mia Farrow - my favorite Allen film and probably his best work. Won for best screenplay.
"Annie Hall" - Diane Keaton, Christopher Walken - great and an award winner


On the queue:
"Anything Else"
"Sweet and Lowdown"
"Manhattan Murder Mystery"
"Manhattan"
"Interiors"
"Sleeper"
"Bananas"

The Lemon Parade

I spent the past week in Colorado basking in the winter snow and true elegance of Creation. The mountains truly are fantastic and mind-blowing. I enjoyed the vastness that surrounded me in the mountains of Colorado.

It was an eye-opening experience being far away from the day to day life I live. It was such a blessing to be away from society and that which consumes every day.

Life sometimes seems too difficult. Sometimes I feel like there is too much on my plate and I cannot manage to balance everything. We all feel this and it is good to just get away and breathe. Get away and breathe the fresh mountain air. Get away from all your responsibilities and just relax.

It feels so good to escape and relax the mind as well. Sometimes I am overburdened by my own mind. I feel the pressures of my thoughts on a regular basis. Constantly, I have something that completely takes over my mind.

Last year, I could not think about anything but reality and how I reacted inside that reality. It was something that consumed me so much that I had forgot how to just live.

Eventually, I escaped the cage of my own thoughts and finally got some sleep and rest and peace of mind. Lately, my mind has trapped itself in the thoughts of my miscommunication.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how jacked up some of my relationships with people have been. I constantly thought of how my lack of communication skills led me to a depressed life.

Instead of working at correcting what is wrong, I simply delved into the world of depression and self pity.

Now, I know how important it is to stop thinking and live. I need to not think so much and just live and fix things instead of thinking of ways to fix things.

The revelations bestowed upon me on my spiritual journey through Colorado will greatly affect the rest of my life. For some strange reason, I have developed a desire to become "socially responsible" and I feel the need to find a path for my future.

This is radically different from where I stood weeks ago. I wanted more than anything to have nothing to do with society or the world.

I guess I still feel that way, but now I just have to concentrate on what my future holds. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to travel and find my true self and discover all that this world has to offer, but I also want to contribute to society.

It is all very confusing and I'm sure it will rape my brain for the next few months as I make decisions about my future.

All my thoughts and outside influences have led me to realize that life is irrational. You never know what you are going to get. The only thing I can do is go out there and live it. I need not shy away from the unfamiliar or the uncomfortable. I need to get out there and feel. Things will get you down, but you must move on.
That's my realization. Live through the worst.

Letter to State Representative Jason Murphey

I decided I would write a letter about what concerns me in the legislation of the state of Oklahoma. Back in November, the state of Oklahoma passed a law that deals with immigration and illegal aliens. As I am sure you are well aware, HB 1804 passed to establish new laws against illegal workers in Oklahoma. I am sure you know all about the bill as it has received national attention as being strict and very straightforward.

My main problem with the bill and, in effect, law is that I was unaware that state’s had a right to do such a thing. I was under the impression that immigration laws were a federal issue and therefore not a state problem. My big question is what do the lawmakers want to get out of passing this law? Is it simply because they want the illegal workers to pay taxes? Are they trying to improve the well-being of the state? If that is the case, then they have made a drastic mistake.

This cannot be. Deporting illegal immigrants will absolutely destroy the state’s economy. This law has already greatly affected many businesses in the state and will continue to make an impact on all areas of the state economy. The state lost over 50,000 workers within the first month of the passing of this law. What happens to ethnic neighborhoods where people are forced to move to other states or return home? This destroys businesses in the area, not just ethnic businesses. The illegal immigrants worked and spent money at places and therefore were essential to what we know the economy to be. Undocumented workers fled the state and left many businesses such as contractors, builders and roofers. These companies are forced to somehow find a complete new labor force, one that is apparently supposed to come from nowhere. The lawmakers think that new workers are supposed to spring up from the ground. The companies are supposed to be expected to pay high dollar workers. This will destroy their company. When you have such an immediate flux in payment, things will fail.

I just don’t understand where these new workers are supposed to come from. Undocumented workers accounted for over 50,000 workers in the labor force. How are we supposed to replace that many people in the labor force and not face problems of shutting down businesses? Isn’t the whole duty of small government to let the common man build a work force and a company? When you strip a hard working man of all his capital he will fail every time.

That is my concern for this bill and I was just curious of your thoughts on it. I know that there is no way to reverse a law as big as this, but I am just looking for some understanding as to why such a bill was passed.

Enid, We Never Really Knew Each Other Anyway

First day of March!!!!!!! Woooooo!!!!!! Get excited people!

On Friday, we decided we would take a trip to good ole Enid, Oklahoma, to hit up some disc golf and find a sweet diner. I really didn't realize Enid was so far from Stillwater, but o well, it was an experience.

We got to Enid at about 2 o'clock to look for a good, country diner. We really couldn't find anything after driving around for about 20 minutes. We were about to settle for a somewhat-unique barbecue joint when we came across "Family Style Restaurant." It looked dinerish enough for us.

The place turned out to be called Sue's Place (terrific name, by the way) and Sue was there to wait on us hand and foot. She was the bomb and she gave us directions to the park where the disc golf course was.

The food was not the best and was not worth driving all the way to Enid solely for it. I got the lasagna special (even though I don't really like lasagna. I got the special for the three sides. So, the meal wasn't the best, but it was all worth it for Sue's farewell.

"You're all right." (in the best old lady country voice you can muster)

Glorious, so we found the disc golf course and right away I could tell it was going to suck. The pins were falling apart and looked like trash. We could not tell where the freaking thing started.

The entire course had maybe five or six plaques to mark the tee box. So, we basically had no direction and I think we only played like 15 holes. I dunno. It was a pretty short course though and I'm pretty sure I would have been under par had we figured it out.

The highlight of the trip had to be the mound of dirt on the course that I insisted on playing on like an 8-year-old. It was so awesome. At first I just wanted to stand on top and take a picture, but when I got up there I wanted to jump off the side because it looked awesome.

I was not disappointed. I jumped off about 20 times and got a bunch of sweet pics and videos. It was so awesome. It reminded me of the childish days of youth (or now). Amazing!!!

So, that was about all Enid had to offer and I was pretty much disappointed (except for that dirt mound).

Don't go to Enid.